Saturday, May 24, 2014

Running Away From Home

When I was six years old, I ran away from home. Not because I had done something bad and gotten into a load of trouble. Not because a new baby or puppy had arrived that made me feel a lack of attention. I did it because I was bored on a summer afternoon and remembered seeing an episode of Full House where little Michelle (who in TV land was around my same age at the time) runs away from home. That led me to believe that all little kids were supposed to run away from home at some point. So yes, I rebelled by running away, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do (worst rebel ever).

My time on the lam basically went like this:
I took some books and snacks in a bag and left my house without telling anyone. I then crossed the street by myself, because “Who says I’m not big enough to cross the street on my own!?” and walked a block down the sidewalk. There I sat on the grass by the side of the road next to a crooked sapling tree and waited.

After a while (probably 30 minutes or so) I started getting bored and a little bit miffed that no one had come to look for me yet like TV family members do. Yet I continued to sit there for a while longer, until someone in a car stopped and asked what I was doing. Not wanting to talk to a stranger, I just said “nuffing” and continued to glare into the distance grumpily. The person said, “Well, you shouldn’t sit so close to the road. Do you know why that little tree is crooked? It’s because someone hit it with their car, and that could happen to you too.” 

The stranger was probably well meaning, but being talked to by some rando was the last straw and I decided that I was done with all this running away business. So, I walked the short distance to my house and went back inside. Only to find that for the hour I had been gone, no one had noticed.


I later used the experience as inspiration for a story I wrote and submitted to a young author’s writing contest. In the story, entitled, “The Prank I played on the Worst Day of my Life,” one of the things that made the protagonist’s day so terrible was that she ran away from home and nobody noticed. I didn’t win any prizes for that story, which is not surprising because, in retrospect, the writing was horrible even for a six year old, but that is kind of some deep shit right there when you think about it.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Monkey Baby, She's a Baby Monkey

When I was about five years old, I learned the truth of my birth. My older sister and I were looking at a family photo album when I noticed that, though there were plenty of pictures of her in the hospital from the day she was born, there were no such pictures of me. In fact, I was over a month old before I started showing up on film. My parents told me that there were no hospital pictures because the ones they had taken had accidently gotten exposed and ruined (this was well before digital photos, mind you, so theoretically this could have happened.) My sister, however, told me the real story:

“One day, Mommy and Daddy went to the monkey cage at the zoo. They picked out the cutest monkey, cut off its tail, shaved it, and brought it home. And that’s you!”

Now of course my parents vehemently denied it, but why would me sister lie to me?  She was always looking out for me, right? So I stopped asking questions, but for years I believed I was a monkey from the zoo. When I got a bit older, I realized that there is no way I could be a monkey. I mean, why didn’t my fur grow back after they shaved it? It just didn’t make sense. That’s when I realized that I must not have literally been a monkey, but clearly I had been born with a tail. That would explain everything! My parents wanted to keep it a secret to save me from embarrassment, which is why they took no pre monkey-tail-removal-surgery photos. 


My parents once again denied it when I questioned them, but wouldn’t they deny it especially if I was born with a tail? No matter what they claim, there is something that looks suspiciously like scar tissue on my tailbone...


Monday, February 10, 2014

Sarah's Analog Blog (circa 1992)

Throughout my childhood there were several occasions when I suddenly got the "good idea" to keep a diary for recording my thoughts and feelings.  This idea usually came to me after I had been gifted a new, empty journal from a family member.  The idea would continue to sound good for several days, a few weeks, or even a month, but then, as easily as I had started writing, I would grow bored with the act of keeping a record of the day's events and add one more partially filled diary to the growing stack of abandoned thoughts.

While visiting the US over the summer, I found my old diaries in the desk of my old room and had fun looking through them.  Now, at the beginning of a new year when most people are looking forward to what the future has in store, I'd like to take a look back to remember where I came from and how I became the person I am today...  Just kidding--no deep philosophical crap here--Many of my old diary entries are absolutely hilarious, dorky, and ridiculous; so much so that I couldn't keep them to myself.

The first diary I had was started back in 1992 when I was 7 years old during the summer after 1st grade (or at least that is my best guess because I did not actually record the year at the time).
Notice the very specific date...

 The front and back inside covers are decorated with photos of the dolphins at the Minnesota Zoo, which I had expertly cut out of the newspaper and pasted inside.  Why dolphins?  Because this was to become my "dolfins diure."
Already on my way to becoming the next Picasso (or Lisa Frank).
I used this as less of a "diary" and more of a journal of facts and stories that I came up with.  Before reading the following excerpts, please note that I had no idea how to spell most words and, having a slight speech impediment at the time, often used some very creative spellings.  Also, to make it easier to read now I will use the space bar appropriately, but feel free to imagine these paragraphs with absolutely no spaces between the words for more authenticity.  

So, without further ado, I give you "Sarah's dolfins diure" page 1, entitled "Sarah and the dulfns":
*********
ons upon a time thir was a grle named Sarah and she loved dlfins and she loved them so much she neu all about them and she wonted one for a pet But she cunit have one but one knite on the 31 she cote to sleep with them and Beefor the 31 a nuw baby dolfin was born and she cote to see it the end.
*********
I know many authors say it is best to "write what you know" but I was basically plagiarizing my own life with that story.  The following entry doesn't pretend to be a fairy tale, but actually lays out more details of the time I went to the MN zoo's after hours dolphin sleepover (which clearly set the theme for this diary).
*********
Page 2, entitled "the dolfin 3lepovre" (yes, I actually made a backwards 's' that looked like a three):
wen I went to the datfin sleep ovre I maed a shrt and I gat a bloon and it strte wen I was spost to be asleep wen the zoo closd and we had to have lie is we lornd alot abaut dolfine and we got to look in the kichin and I got to help gat the food rede and we got a snac and in the mornin we got sum gume fish.
*********
Adding to the confused garble that was my spelling is that for some reason I often crossed my 'l's so they look like 't's.  Some of those words even I can't decipher...
*********
I also had a page called "thins I nowe ubout dolfins," but the crown jewel of this diary has to be the play I wrote about a lumberjack...named Sarah.  I believe I wrote this after seeing the Monty Python lumberjack sketch and my play comes complete with a catchy tune as well.

"Sarah the lumber Jack"
this play is about a lumber Jack named Sarah she lived when only men were lumber Jacks
seen 1
Lum- o a lumber Jack's lives for me me me me o a lumber Jack's lives for me yese me me me cuting lumber down to the groun o a lumber Jack's lives for me
Sarah- Yae clap clap good singing.
Lum- who are you.
Sarah- well I'm a lumber Jack of cors.
Lum- whats yor name
Sarah- Sarah
Lum- Why did you come here
Sarah- I came to look for a job
Lum- you can be a lumber jack
Sarah- good.
seen 2
*********
Yes, unfortunately seen 2 is blank, so this masterpiece remains incomplete.  Though I don't know if any ending could have been better than Sarah the lumberjack getting hired on the spot (even in a time when only men where lumberjacks) and simply stating "good" when she is given the job.

Five years later, I would find this journal again while cleaning out my desk and start writing in it once more.  But that, my friends, is a story for another day.

*Originally posted in January 2011 in my other blog:  http://sarahheartsjapan.blogspot.jp/ *

Sarah's Analog Blog (circa 1994/95)

On April 26, 1994 I began writing in another diary.  This was during the spring of 3rd grade.  My spelling had improved somewhat from my previous efforts in first grade, though my handwriting was still rather sloppy.  I also abandoned my old storytelling in favor of a sporadic, stream of consciousness writing style.  The following is the first entry (after the inside cover page that reads "Private Keep Out!"):

Dear diary,
It feels kind of weird saying that!  I mean who is diary anyway?  Nobody!  Anyway, today was good.  Katie Bell's* such a jerk!  I just felt like saying that.  Cedric's so cute!  I just felt like saying that, too.  There was a 5th grade consert today.  I hated it!  It was stupid!  Well that's all I have to say today.  Bye!

*All names of real people have been changed to those of Harry Potter characters to preserve anonymity.
****************
After this first entry there were two more uneventful entries dated the following day and two months later in July.  After that I would not write again until December 13, 1994--the winter of fourth grade.

Dear Diary,
I'm finally back.  You probly noticed my handwriting is better!*  I'm in 4th grade now.  Today we start our litichure groups.  I got Indian in the Cupbord (my first choice).  I'm in GT to!**  Also I get to be in the top math group.  We have music and P.E. today.  Also I get to sit next to Cedric!  Yes I still like him.

*Though it seems my spelling had gotten worse.
**GT stands for "Gifted and Talented."  Clearly no spelling test was required to get in.
****************
That was the last entry until the summer before fifth grade when I read a book called "Bingo Brown and the Language of Love."  In the book the title character writes in his journal every night, so I decided to do the same.  This new journaling craze marks the turning point where I began writing significantly longer entries, so I will just cut out all the boring stuff and stick to the highlights.  (Incidentally, it is also when I began writing all of my entries in cursive for some reason.)

Aug. 20, 1995
There's only 15 more day till school starts, I can't wait!*  I can't believe no one called for school patrol!  The captains, Dymphna, Ariana, Tiberius, or Theodore are supposed to call to see if you still want to be a patrol.  There are only 15 more days to call!

*OMG--WTF was wrong with me!?
------------------
Aug. 21, 1995
Only 14 more days till school starts.  I'm going to do a count down!*
After I finish writing this I'm going to start reading Julius Caesar!  It'll be challenging, but I can do it!**

*Seriously, WTF, seriously...
**Who did I think I was, an f-ing life coach!?
------------------
Aug. 22, 1995
13 more days till school!
We went to the library today.  I got 3 books, Haunted House, Bingo Brown's guide to romance, and Into the Land of the Unicorns!*  The JC Penney Christmas Catalog came today & it's only August!

*Always the eclectic reader.
------------------
Aug. 23 1995
12 more days till school starts!
Today for lunch we went to Mcdonalds.  I kinda like the food, but the rest of the family doesn't, so I pretend not to.  Anyway we went because Eleanor had two coupons one for a free Big Mac extra value meal and one for a hamburger.  But you could only use 1 per visit, so we went in sepratly.  I even ordered by my self, (though dad was with me!)  I got a small sprite (which was pretty big!) with my own money!*  Fang was supposed to have a bath today, but he'll have one tommorow instead.  We are suposed to shampoo his hurt feet every night!**

*Major accomplishments in the life of a painfully introverted child.
**Our pet dog had been hit by a car, which tore up the skin on his back paws.
-------------------
Aug. 24, 1995
11 more days till school!
Today I finished reorganizing my room.  My furniture is all in different spots, and it's all clean (I even changed my sheets)!*
Once again Fang didn't get a bath, maybe he'll get one tomorrow!?  I sure hope so, he needs one Pee-Yew!

*Whatever, changing sheets is for chumps.
-------------------
This diary is a bit too long for one post, so I am going to end here for today...
Will the school patrol ever call?  Will Fang ever get a bath?  Will Sarah ever shut-up about the unbelievably lame way she spent her summer?  So many burning questions yet to be answered, so stay tuned next week as I reveal days 10-0 on the dorkiest school countdown ever!

*Originally posted in January 2011 in my other blog:  http://sarahheartsjapan.blogspot.jp/ *

Sarah's Analog Blog (circa 1995) part II

The saga of Sarah's school count-down during the summer before 5th grade continues.  As before, the names of real people have be replaced with Harry Potter pseudonyms to preserve anonymity.

Aug. 25 1995
10 more days till school!!
It's really late, almost 12:00pm!  So I'm only going to write a little.
Today dad got really mad and tore up one of my folders for school!  I also got a call from the library to say the book I requested was in (Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes)!
Fang still didn't have his bath today!  Mom bought me a Quick Sew from Frank's today!  I also had a tea party with Eleanor!

OMG, I just can't stop using exclamation points!  Everything in my life is just so exciting!!
--------------------------
Aug. 27 1995
9-8 more days!
The reason I didn't write yesterday is because it was almost 12:00 when we got home.  I was really tiered.  So I'll have to fill you in.
Yesterday we went to Mall-of-America.  I got to try the new vertuall boy!  I also won an issue of Nintendo Power magazine, it has 115 pages!  We also went to the rainforest Cafe and got stuffed!  And we saw Nine Months.  It was funny!
Today Eleanor and I got to go to Mom's school to help in the library, then play in the computer lab!
This evening we watched Wane's World!  It was OK.  Fang still hasn't had a bath!

This entry submitted without comment...because I was too busy facepalming and head-shaking to think of any.
-------------------------
Aug. 28 1995
7 more day till school!
Today was pretty uneventfull.  I got a call finally, from my captain (Ariana).*
Fang got stung by a bee, in his ear.
I forgot to say yesterday that I got 20 Simpson pogs at the mall!**
I also finished my quick stich, and my Goosebumps book!
I read some more in Nintendo Power magazine.***
Tommorow I'm going to clean my race track.

*Wow, the school patrol called at last!  Though they were cutting it pretty close with only one week left before school.
**Though I ended up with quite a collection of Simpsons and Goosebumps pogs, to this day I have never played the game, not even once.
***At the time I only had a gameboy and would not get another gaming system until I saved up my money to buy a N64 in middle school.  I did, however, end up subscribing to Nintendo power and read all 115 pages of every issue for several years.  Even though wasn't able to play most of the games it talked about.
------------------------
Aug. 29 1995
6 more day.
Today Eleanor and & I went to a movie, Forever Batman.  It was O.K.  But after we had to call dad at the Good Will.  We had to wait forever, and the ladys were mean!  We also rented 2 movies, and tonight we watched Alien 3.  It was pretty scary.  I also started doing some research on racoons (just for fun!).*

*..........................................________ 

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------------------------------
Aug. 30 1995
5 more days.
I almost forgot to write!  Fang still hasn't had a bath!  Today we were talking about open house at school.  I want to go, but I also want to go to the state faire.*  I can only go to one.  I want to got to open house, but I don't think dad wants to.
Today we got a call from the Nutcombes, they invited us to their trailer at Pathfinder** for Labor Day weekend.

*No!  It is NOT a Renaissance festival!
** A camp ground.
----------------------------
Sep. 2 1995
2 more days!
I haven't written for 2 days!
Thursday we went to the State Fair!*  It was fun!
Friday we went to Mom's school!  We did lots of work, but we played too.
Today we went to Pathfinder.  I got to sleep on the top bunk in the camper!
We also went swimming in the pool!  I got grape flavored taffy.  Tomorrow is the penny carnival (it's always fun).  We also entered a potato-head contest with Pocahontas Potato.  It won 1st prize (I'm not surprised).**

*Dad won.
**My sister, our friend, and I actually were quite the talented little potato artisans.
-----------------------
Sep. 3 1995
Only more day till school starts.
Today was the penny carnival (actually tickets were 25cents each!)*
Kirely and her mom had a fight, because her mom tryed to wash Kirely's face after she had used an Oxy pad.**

*Total rip-off.
**Uh...??  Guess you had to be there.
----------------------
Sep. 4 1995
Tomorrow's the 1st day of school.
I can't wait for tomorrow!  I can't believe I'm in 5th grade!*
Today before we left Pathfinder Fang puked 2 times.  Eleanor and I had to pick it up!  It was really gross.
We came home, got unpacked, then went shopping.
I'm going to wake up from 6:00- 6:30!**

*Neither can I...
**Wow, I'm actually impressed that I used to get up that early--how did I ever do it?
------------------------
Sep. 7 1995
I haven't written for the last few days!  I've just been so busy with homework, I even had homework the 1st day of school!  The first day was great!  5th grade is going to be fun!  I even think math is going to be fun this year.*  
On Wensday a new boy (Ciceron) came.  Mr. Ollivander asked where he was the 1st day, he said at Hogwarts!  Talk about going to the wrong room, this guy went to the wrong school!   

*No, it wasn't.

And that is the last entry ever written in this diary.  Well, as I've always said, end with a joke to keep 'em laughing...

*Originally posted in January 2011 in my other blog:  http://sarahheartsjapan.blogspot.jp/ *

Sarah's Analog Blog (circa 1997)

After filling in a total of four pages of my original "dolfins diure" (see Analog Blog 1992) I forgot about it for years until one day I found it while cleaning out my desk and decided to begin writing in it again.  In the first new entry, I state "I have not written in this diary for years, and I can't believe I wrote this."  Amazing that I was able to predict exactly what I would be thinking 13 years later...
These supplemental entries took place in July and August of 1997--the summer before 7th grade, AKA the magical summer I discovered the movie "Labyrinth."

July 9 '97
This afternoon I watched a movie called "laberynth."  I really like that movie.  It is about a girl named Sara who wishes that goblins would take away her baby brother Toby.  Then the Goblin King, Jareth (played by David Boey, who I think is cute as Jareth) really takes him.  She travels through the laberynth to the castle to save Toby.  I like all the songs in it, but my favorite is Dance Magic and Down in the Underground.*  One line in the movie is said by Sara, it goes like this- "I have come for the child.  Through dangers untold and perils hardships unumbered I have fought my way here through the goblin city, to take back the child you have stolen.  For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great.  You have no power over me!"
I wish I could be Sara in the movie and go in the "laberynth" to save my brother.  In fact I wish I could be there right now!

*The actual titles of the songs are "Magic Dance" and "Underground."  I know because I have the soundtrack...and I'm listening to it right now, bitches.
-------------------------
July 10 '97
Today was pretty uneventful.  The main thing that happened was this--I was watching "Labyrinth" for the 3rd time since we rented it.  I only got a little way through when dad came out of the computer room.  I stopped the tape, I didn't want him to know I was watching it.*  He said he was going to return the videos!  I had to give it to him.  Later on our way to drop them off I said "I thought these weren't due till Saturday."  It was a five day rental and he thought we got the movies on Saturday instead of Monday.  I remember thinking, damn his stupid mix-up!  The songs from the movie keep going through my head especialy Down in the Underground.  It makes me want to cry, because I wish something like that could happen to me.  I wish I had that movie.  I also wish I could be as beautiful as Sara in the movie.

*Labyrinth:  porn for pre-teen girls
--------------------------
July 15 '97
Nothing much happened today.  I ran through the sprinkler, that was about it.
I still wish I could go to the labyrinth.  See the goblin king Jareth was so handsome.*  I wish I could have some kind of adventure.  Especially if it was like "Labyrinth."  Maybe I could write a book about it (I'll probably never get around to it).**

*Shit, I still wish I could go to the labyrinth...and you better believe I would say "screw you" to my baby brother and marry the goblin king. 
**I never did get around to writing that book, thank god.
---------------------------
July 21 '97
Today I was looking at the JC Penny catalouge.  I saw this really cool outfit.  It has wide-leg jeans, a striped T-shirt, and these really cool zipper front boots.*  I hope I can get it!  I have to stop now (pens out of ink).

*OMG mid-90s fashion...I did get that outfit, and I think I wore it for my 7th grade school picture...
---------------------------
July 23 '97
Today I am going to put a list of things I want, and if get them I will cross them off.
1. Nintendo 64
2. A new bike
3. Gameboy/N64 games*
I hope I get a new bike soon, but if I had to choose between an N64 and a bike I'd choose the game system.  I would even settle for a Super NES.
I also want 4 movies:  Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, and Labyrinth.**  I could watch those movies over and over again!  I hope I get them.

*Not sure why #3 isn't crossed off, since logically I would have needed N64 games if I was going to play the N64 that I clearly did end up getting...
**If only having "geek cred" made you cool back then like it does now...I would have been the most popular kid at school.
----------------------------
Aug. 5 '97
Today I got a grrreat surprise!  Mom gave Ellie and I each a Tigger beanie baby!  He is so cute, his tail is even springy.  We rented Labyrinth again and mom said we could make a copy of it for me!*

*Mission accomplished.
----------------------------

And that is where this diary ends once and for all.  Now that I was in possession of my very own bootleg copy of Labyrinth I obviously had much more important things to do than writing in some dumb diary.  Like watching the movie non-stop and fantasizing about David Bowie's magnificent blond mullet and sparkly, sparkly lip gloss.  God I love that movie.

*Originally posted in January 2011 in my other blog:  http://sarahheartsjapan.blogspot.jp/ *

Sarah's Analog Blog (circa 1998/99) And That's All She Wrote

I did some more journaling off and on during 8th grade.  However, since middle school tends to be the worst period in any adolescent's life (and it definitely was for me), most of the entries are way too angsty to be even remotely funny.  I talk of frustration over never being asked out by a boy, even though all of my friends had been, and my feelings about lady issues that really should be burned rather than ever reread.  I had a list of "bad people" who were mean to me at school and a list of the "Top 10 Cutest Guys," which included Seth Green and David Boreanaz (I was huge Buffy fan), Leo Dicaprio (but only in Titanic), and Link as number one (make fun if you want, but I still say he is the perfect guy).

The most amusing thing in these entries is my apparent belief that if I just participated in sports and school activities with my "friends," who were actually making fun of me behind my back the whole time they were using me to get rides to the mall from my parents, and acted like my real self, the other self-obsessed middle-schoolers would eventually start to like me.  Hah.  All that being said, there are a few sections of comedic note, mainly due to my warped take on reality...

Sept. 13, 1998
The best things in life are free!  But you can give them to the birds and bees!  I want the $money$!!
Today I got the "Wedding Singer" soundtrack, volume I and II.  I love the song "Money (That's what I want!)"  I do want money!  I have no use for love!
It would be cool if I could read peoples' minds.  Not all of the time, only if I wanted to.*

* !?  No idea where that randomness came from.
-------------------------------
4/6/99
Today is the last day of Spring Break :( *
You know what sucks?  In movies when they take an outcast boys don't like and take off her glasses, cut her hair, and get her cool clothes, she's popular overnight.  That doesn't really happen though.  Maybe in high school there is stuff like that...8th graders are just immature.

*At least I finally stopped being so excited about going to school...
-------------------------------
5/30/99
I've started sleeping on my back, I think sleeping on my front has stunted my "boob" growth.  A. said that is probably true, because when she stopped wearing her bra to bed her breasts grew!
I got a new outfit to wear to Valley Fair Tomorrow.  It's both stylish and practical.  I doubt anyone will notice though, no one ever does.*

*AAAANNNNGGGGSSSSTTTT!!!!
-------------------------------
Everything else in there is just uninteresting drivel.  Good thing this was the final diary of my youth, because it seems the older one gets, the less interesting one becomes.

*Originally posted in January 2011 in my other blog:  http://sarahheartsjapan.blogspot.jp/ *